Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
