Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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