i'm signing you up for texting rehab
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
