I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
