remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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