I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
