when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
