You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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