I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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