I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
