The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
i need some magic done to my vagina
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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