The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
