When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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