You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
