The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
