He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
