Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
