Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
