2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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