First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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