did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Hello my rib-scented angel!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
