Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
