i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
