I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
