I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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