I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
