you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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