I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
