as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
