I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
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I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
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Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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