I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
