your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
