so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
