I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I have demons in me.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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