never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
