he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
