She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
