so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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