oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
