Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
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my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
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I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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