Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
