to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
