if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
