I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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