walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
