Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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