I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
