that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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