Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
