Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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