saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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