If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
