i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize
