You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
