Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Randomize
