He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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