The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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