I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
