Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
