I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
